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When stalkers go completely bonkers

Posted by bloke_of_stoke on 2006.01.03 at 00:10
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
I thought we were the ones supposed to be on crack?!? What. The. Fuck. Get that crazy lass and her aliens away from me. I hear outer space is nice this time of year.

I need to get laid. What else is new?

*has tied the knot*

Posted by sir_elton on 2006.01.02 at 21:31
Current Mood: goodmarried
Current Music: Wedding March
Dear world,

I am a married man. Honeymoon is wonderful.

Regards, Elton (now married)



Posted by bloke_of_stoke on 2005.12.14 at 15:10
Current Mood: artistic
I currently spend my days counting money with lawsuits. First those gay rumours, now a crazy stalker. Why can't people leave me alone? Oh wait. Because I'm handsome, talented and adored by so many. Could be worse.

Go and buy my latest single Advertising Space. Written by Stephen and me. ME! I. WRITE. SONGS. Amongst other things.

I am the star

...and you are?

Posted by bloke_of_stoke on 2005.11.07 at 08:41
Current Mood: accomplished
One week in the life of a real popstar. Things to do:

  • Enter the charts of most European countries (Austria, Denmark, Germany, Holland, Ireland, Italy,Switzerland, UK) and some others (Arabia, Argentinia, Australia, Hong Kong, New Zealand, Taiwan) on #1, some more on #2 (France, Spain, Portugal, Norway) with new album - Check.

  • Be proclaimed the UK's best selling singer so far this century - Check.
  • Win an award at MTV Europe for 'Best Male' and grace the audience with a spectacular perfomrance - Check.

  • Sign a fashion deal with trendy label - Check.

  • Receive praise from cowriter Stephen for being a genius and 'incredibly talented lyrically and melodically' - Check.

Will use my own words to comment: It's hard to be humble when you're so fucking big.


Posted by howie_d_dorough on 2005.11.07 at 00:32
I am so, so glad this tour is over not that a lot of people went, anyway, hey, who said pop was making a comeback?, it means I can spend time with my mom and dad and brother and sister. Hey, did you know my brother looks like Donny Osmond? How cool is that?! (He got all the good looks in the family.) Other than that, nothing interesting has been going on my life, omg. It's so BORING. I think I might move back to Florida so I can go to Disney World every other day.

How's everyone else?

distracted spice

yeah, i like to mix it up

Posted by miller__lite on 2005.11.04 at 17:13
Current Mood: hothot
This week I decided to step out in Jude's hat, Heath's shoes, Sean's blazer, Daniel's scarf, Leo's top, and Orlando's leggings.

I think I look like a fabulous female boho version of Oliver Twist, don't you?

I promise I'll be gentle

I want to wake up in the city that never sleeps

Posted by scottish_slut on 2005.11.03 at 19:07
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Eve showed me some presents she bought for Esther's birthday next Monday. One was a very nice dress, so cute and fit for my wee girl. It's a light yellow, with... lots of red and white... petals on it. I had to step outside for a few minutes.

I still can't believe darth_obliviousHayden will spend the next 99 years in New York. Okay, not 99 years, but it will feel like it. Two movies in a row! So what I'm doing now is trying to come up with a good excuse for me to spend some days of hot and sweaty shagging in New York. The excuse must be so good that everyone will swallow it without the slightest doubt. My family, friends, agent, colleagues and - Eve.

Of course I can't think of an excuse good enough. My ideas so far:

- Try to talk Charley into a Long Way Round reprise. Who wants to go to Africa, anyway? I say, we do London-New York again. Problem: Charley won't fall for it. And he already read Out of Africa and wants to see the Blixen plantation (CHRIST).
- Research for some coming movie project? Problem: Eve knows my work scheme too well.
- I'm doing this year's Christmas shopping in New York! Problem: Eve would want to come, too. So much for hot and sweaty shagging. If I want hot and sweaty shagging with me wifey, I don't even have to leave the house.
- I say I'll visit miller__liteSienna. Problem: NOBODY would buy it.

That leaves me with one alternative only. Hayden must come to London when he has some days off. Problem: discussion will go like:

Ewan: "Darling, can Hayden please stay with us for a few days?"
Eve: "What? Mais Ewan, he spent almost the whole summer here!"
Ewan: "Yes, but you know I promised..."
Eve: "Qui, I know you offered him a place to stay when he's in London, but isn't he in New York?"
Ewan (imagine me, eyes WIDE in surprise): "New York? Now, is he, really? Blimey! I had no idea! And I was thinking about going to New York soon to... to... to..."
Eve: "Forget it."

I don't know what to do. All I have left is this. And my Revenge of the Sith copy. I hope you have bought one, too. I need money to hire a double who'll replace me while I'm in N.Y.

Bring it off.

Posted by cruiseology on 2005.11.03 at 12:41
Current Mood: fiendish
There is truly no rest for the wicked.

Last night I was foiled in my attempt to scale Oprah's mammoth fence and intrude the fiend's property. I miscalculated!! How could I have been so STUPID? I, using just some fishing line and my love for 'tology as a guide, climbed up the electric fence that surrounds the perimeter of Oprah's yard. It was only my intention to steal what is rightfully mine (I will get into that later, yes, that deserves its own essay and you all need to know), and I was just about to gracefully glide over the threshold when my foot lost its grip and I went crashing down into a pile of dobermans.

I stayed perfectly still. I thought maybe their vision was based on movement. They snarled and tested my integrity, and I snarled back. I wasn't going to be played a fool by my canine adversaries.

I then began to crawl slowly away, appeasing the mongrels with a t-bone steak that I brought Just in Case, and began spelunking Orpah's terrain. The soil was fertile, too fertile. I can only imagine the disgustingly illegal contraband she is cultivating!

It wasn't until I was maneuvering myself under her bed when I was knocked unconscious, ressucitated (quite immorally, I might add, there is a lawsuit in my attacker's very near future), and then dragged kicking and screaming back to base camp. I was handed a restraining order, and I ripped it up and spat on it. Ho ho, Ope!! You cannot defeat me!

I am quite sore today.

The wedding plans are well. I know you're all dying to pat me on the back for knocking katie_holmelySnaggle up. I really appreciate whoever sent me that exploding cigar... very festive. I was very amused, right on!!

I'm afraid I have been slacking on handing out pamphlets. Ah, life. They have been updated now anyway, they are now interactive with dancing holographic Scratch'n'Sniff L. Ron Hubbard images. Fun times, it was my idea. YEAH!!!

It is not fair to stand alone and be so surrounded.


Me and my David Beckham

Posted by bloke_of_stoke on 2005.11.02 at 20:39
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Something electronic Stephen gave me
Becks rang today. I'm still not sure why. He's a great lad, David Beckham, what an idol. I adore him. Like he adores me. Funny. It took us long enough to overcome our mutual awkwardness and stop communicating per agents and offcial letters and finally talk to each other. Now we're something like mates, but Becks, he's... uh, it's not easy with him. It went a bit like this:

Me: "Hullo?"
Becks: "Rob? It's me. David. Beckham. I, uh, David Beckham."
Me: "Hey, mate. How's tricks?"
Becks: "What tricks?"
Me: "Uh, never mind. I saw the match last night. Good for you you're back in the team."
Becks: "Yes... I was injured before. It hurt. Very much."
Me: "I know. But you're better now, right?"
Becks: "No. They stole me Beamer. Bastards. My poor car. All alone now."
Me: "What a shame. I'm sorry."
Becks: "And, and, and they all tease me because I like your music. Rob! I think I'd rather play with you than with them."
Me: "Stupid wankers. Ignore them."
Becks: "But they're in my team! And they tease me all the time!! And Vic's only interested in buying another posh house and doesn't even let me wear her knickers anymore!!!"
Me: "David..."
Becks: "Sorry, mate. I... sorry. How are you?"
Me: "Good. Preparing for tomorrow's award show in Portugal."
Becks: "Portugal? But that's... I'm in Spain! We're neighbours then! For a while. Isn't that exciting?"
Me: "Uh. Yes. Splendid."
Becks: "We'll be so very close. Terrific! We... Uh oh. I have to go, Rob. Brooklyn's calling."
Me: "Me too. Lisbon's calling."
Becks: "But... since when do you have children?"
Me: "I don't. I really have to go, mate. Cheers."
Becks: "Ta!"

See what I mean? There's a reason I don't like playing Scrabble with him.

Posted by jack_effing_o on 2005.10.31 at 16:49
I am WOMAN man hear me roar! ROOOAAARR.
I'm in group therapy, it's for people who aren't comfortable with themselves. When I go I wear this cute little micromini I borrowed from Janet, oh my god it is SO SEXY. And then I top it off with a tunic top and maybe some of the chunky glasses, for that new trendy boho look.. like MK&A I lloove them. I do this in the hopes that they won't recognize me.
It's our little secret. Tee hee!

I putting a great big jack-o-lantern in front of my house tonight and it looks exactly like me.. not that I look like a pumpkin..

I truly think Halloween is my real birthday.

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