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Bring it off.

Posted by cruiseology on 2005.11.03 at 12:41
Current Mood: fiendish
There is truly no rest for the wicked.

Last night I was foiled in my attempt to scale Oprah's mammoth fence and intrude the fiend's property. I miscalculated!! How could I have been so STUPID? I, using just some fishing line and my love for 'tology as a guide, climbed up the electric fence that surrounds the perimeter of Oprah's yard. It was only my intention to steal what is rightfully mine (I will get into that later, yes, that deserves its own essay and you all need to know), and I was just about to gracefully glide over the threshold when my foot lost its grip and I went crashing down into a pile of dobermans.

I stayed perfectly still. I thought maybe their vision was based on movement. They snarled and tested my integrity, and I snarled back. I wasn't going to be played a fool by my canine adversaries.

I then began to crawl slowly away, appeasing the mongrels with a t-bone steak that I brought Just in Case, and began spelunking Orpah's terrain. The soil was fertile, too fertile. I can only imagine the disgustingly illegal contraband she is cultivating!

It wasn't until I was maneuvering myself under her bed when I was knocked unconscious, ressucitated (quite immorally, I might add, there is a lawsuit in my attacker's very near future), and then dragged kicking and screaming back to base camp. I was handed a restraining order, and I ripped it up and spat on it. Ho ho, Ope!! You cannot defeat me!

I am quite sore today.

The wedding plans are well. I know you're all dying to pat me on the back for knocking katie_holmelySnaggle up. I really appreciate whoever sent me that exploding cigar... very festive. I was very amused, right on!!

I'm afraid I have been slacking on handing out pamphlets. Ah, life. They have been updated now anyway, they are now interactive with dancing holographic Scratch'n'Sniff L. Ron Hubbard images. Fun times, it was my idea. YEAH!!!

It is not fair to stand alone and be so surrounded.

Comments:


Ewan Gordon McGregor
scottish_slut at 2005-11-03 17:58 (UTC) (Link)
I don't think I had the chance to say this yet, so: congratulations on the baby, mate. Fatherhood is wonderful. Ah well, you know all about that. You do, don't you?
cruiseology at 2005-11-03 18:01 (UTC) (Link)
I DO, DON'T SAY THAT I DON'T!!! DOUBT IS THE ROOT OF ALL... EVIL. DOUBT THIS, DOUBT THAT, JUST DON'T DOUBT MY FATHERING ABILITY. I KNOW THINGS YOU COULD ONLY DREAM OF.

... Thank you.
Ewan Gordon McGregor
scottish_slut at 2005-11-03 18:05 (UTC) (Link)
You're hurting my ears, mate! Sorry if I offended you. To make up with you, here's Ewan's fatherhood wisdom of the day, just for you: rabbits belong in a pot, not in a cage. No matter how much your children beg, don't fall for it.

Buy them a dog, if anything.

Oops. Sorry.
cruiseology at 2005-11-03 18:07 (UTC) (Link)
Don't tell anyone, but I didn't actually know that.

Hmmm. Cool. Thanks... mate.
Ewan Gordon McGregor
scottish_slut at 2005-11-03 18:10 (UTC) (Link)
Mate! Don't you know Fatal Attraction? Very educational movie. Not only about the whole rabbit thing. It also shows you what women can be capable of. Be careful, mate. The walls have ears.

And, uhm, you're welcome.
cruiseology at 2005-11-03 18:12 (UTC) (Link)
Now I can't trust anyone or anything, even the walls, is NOTHING sacred?????

*fetal position*
Ewan Gordon McGregor
scottish_slut at 2005-11-03 18:13 (UTC) (Link)
It's a cruel world we're living in. Sorry to break the news to you.
katie_holmley at 2005-11-03 19:01 (UTC) (Link)
I hate you. Where's my money?!

Yes, darling. You're so very manly and virile. You did well with the whole 'knocking me up' single-handedly.

If you think I'm calling you Hubby as a reference to the reincarnation of Hubbard, you really ARE crazy, you sick bastard.
Sienna Miller
miller__lite at 2005-11-03 22:37 (UTC) (Link)
I want one of the new pamphlets!

Unless L. Ron Hubbard doesn't smell like strawberries, in which case I'm good.
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